My hope for tomorrow

My soul needs to heal. I know that healing is not a destination but a process. It is extremely uncomfortable and while doing that I will have to go through many tests, swallow hard pills and even tend to my own wounds. I feel lonely at times and as an over thinker , healing is not easy at all.

I am going to face all the battles to prepare me for my life. I am going to try to be gentle in different ways but also understand the strength of being hard. I need to patient. The funny part of healing, you cannot rush it. It doesn’t matter how fast you want to heal, it will happen in its way. But I faith that one day I will be stronger than what I am right now.

Sometimes all you need is faith that some things change for better. Healing becomes an adventure when you open your eyes and heart to people who shine. The kind of light that doesn’t care about the darkness inside you because it will shine through it. You will be tired of being strong and they will be your strength. They will love you in ways that teach you how to love yourself. These kind of people are a blessing.

One day , I will be all happy and full of joy. Wake up early, make coffee, read a good book, take care of my skin and next day it will be difficult getting out of bed. But I believe that before I heal, I need to feel every kind of emotion, I should shed every tear before I feel whole again. And I will grow. Trust the process, even if it takes time and tests your will. And maybe I will never reach the destination I had planned. But at the end of process, I know I will be right where I should be.

I used to think that some of us are destined to be in pain. But that is not true. There is light at the end of every tunnel. That’s what I hold onto now, the tiniest glimmer of hope. And believe me when I say, Time is a healer. I am not the same person I was when I first experienced the pain. I gained the strength that wasn’t t there . I managed to have faith when before there was none. I realised that only I have the power to protect myself. And most of all, I managed to do something I was not not able to do for a long time- to love myself. That is what saved me!

Love and hugs,

You are all I have

YOU ARE ENOUGH! Now a days I tell myself this everyday. Whoever I am , I am enough. It is not about everything you did wrong. It’s about how much you did to do the right thing. It’s about the depth of love you showed them when you didn’t even love yourself. It’s about the days you were sick and you chose to stay by their side all night to take care of them. It’s about the number of times you said ‘ I love you’ when you are looking in their eyes or their dimples and the number of times you said ‘ I am sorry’ because the person was more important than the argument.

You are enough. Especially when your heart is out of words for them and despite eve you have done for them- they chose to walk away. Because you are not perfect. And instead of looking what you did right, they hold on to what you did wrong, then you deserve more. That’s when you need to believe that you will be enough no matter who stays and who doesn’t.

And it’s okay, you don’t always have to be strong. It’s okay to hurt and it’s okay to cry. It is difficult, isn’t it? Having a big heart and forgiving so easily and quickly. Being that person who would go lengths to make someone happy and still getting hurt in the end. And in the end , when they got everything they wanted, they walk away , never to look back. And you are left with a hole in your chest where your heart should have been. Keep telling yourself, ‘You are all I have’ and that is the truth.

You are going to lose people whom you thought would be with you for a lifetime. But you cannot afford to lose yourself. No matter who walks in or walks out of your life, you do not lose yourself. No matter how much they love you, other people cannot make you feel whole. Love yourself to extend where you can walk away from someone who doesn’t appreciate you or your efforts, or respect your worth. You do not need anyone in your life who makes you feel like shit. Let them keep that negativity to themselves.

No matter how lonely it gets, don’t settle because you are afraid to be alone. Know your worth and wait for someone who will move mountains the same way you would for them.

Love and hugs,

You and I , both…..

My love,

You couldn’t have loved me in a better way! I want you to know that I am proud of you. I am proud that you didn’t let life topple over you. And I know that even if it does, you will have courage to get up and go ahead. I am proud that that you haven’t given up on yourself, even though I know how badly you reached that state in your life. I am proud you are pushing through your journey, no matter how slowly, heavily or resentfully.

I wish I could stay and erase all your pain. But baby, I cannot save you right now. I need to be saved too. And I don’t believe this is the end to us. It’s a beginning. A beginning that will lead us to what we deserve, even though it’s far from eachother. And maybe we needed to part ways because if we hadn’t, we would have never reached where we should be and staying in eachother’s life, we would have strayed from our purpose of life.

We need to accept that this is for the best and maybe the love will fold into the cracks of our heart which was not possible when we were together together. Maybe I was too soft for you or maybe your hands were too hard to hold my softness , and this is where it all went wrong. And we need to understand that people need to break completely before they let light inside them and heal. Sometimes love needs to leave so that it enters in a different way. And that’s why it is a beginning.

Be brave. Be brave to not let go of yourself. Be brave to be there for yourself and by that I mean hold your hand when things get difficult. Be brave enough to be the right person for yourself. Remember all the things we wanted. Keep our memories in your heart and lock them away. Keep forgiving yourself. And you know where to find me when things get out of control. I will always be here. I love you. I always will. Yours, Mau

Love and hugs,

Quarantine Day 3000

The days have become so boring and tiresome.. But I know I’m not the only one going crazy with this self-quarantine. Don’t get me wrong. International pandemic, I totally get it. I absolutely understand.

I just think what this day could have been if everything was normal. I mean at this point I would be having my university exams but even that seems to be better than lying around whole day doing nothing. First few days were awesome. I binged watched series and movies on Netflix and amazon prime, I ate in my bed( something my father won’t ever allow,I still don’t know he did), slept like a log , video called my friends and it felt like first few days of the holidays.

But then I was left alone with my thoughts. And honestly, this quarantine brain is getting the better of me. I am feeling disconnected from the people that matter the most to me and there’s not a whole lot I can do about in this time. I am insecure and second guessing every decision I’ve been making. It’s 4:30am and I am whining. I wanna get out of the house. I want to see people, you know laughing and chit chatting with each other. I mean I have become so delusional. Two weeks back, I was laughing with my friends deciding where to go in summers for a trip or a camp and suddenly everything you have been doing for past few months seems irrelevant now. Nothing matters what were your plans. We all saw that meme, ‘me deciding what to wear to the hall’, that is me. Sometimes I just dress up to see whether I still fit in my jeans or not. Trust me , I didn’t. So the one good, productive thing I recently started was exercising. I mean that one hour in the morning and afternoon is the only time I feel alive. When at night, I just think what did I do the whole day, I have one useful thing in my list. That is so sad. I mean when we had time and the liberty to do something good, we wasted it.

I mean I have so many questions and I have no answers to them. How long has it been? When is this going to end? What am I going to do the whole day? I mean I am literally thankful for the memes and all the bloggers who make funny content, you are the reason I laugh now. I love watching those crazy challenges on Instagram and you tube and watching stand up comedy has become my new hobby now.

On the contrary, this all free time just makes me think. The impact that this pandemic will have on the world will last a decade. And as of now, I don’t know how to deal with it. And it all started with one wet market in a country a half world away. If nothing else, this year has officially validated the fact that we are all connected and that when something affects one of us, it affects all of us. 10years , 20years down the lane, I want to remember this feeling. Feeling of my freedom getting snatched and so next time I get it, I will use it wisely. Whole country is on lockdown. I can’t even go to grocery shop with being scared of sneezing and coughing. I want to remember this. This year, this time in history, will be marked in textbooks and internet, historical journals, movies and research histories. We are living in the history. I mean the moment is not even passed and it’s already in the history!. How is that for a thought? I wonder if this is how they felt during world wars, The Great Depression or the Plague. Did they even have time to feel any of this before it happened?

My hope in this is people will be more kind and thoughtful after this. Thinking before actually taking an action . Because till now we all have understood, one man making a mistake can threaten the whole human race. So please, stay safe and stay home.

Love and hugs,

Hard pill to swallow

I have been working on this blog for so long! It’s difficult to put your feelings into words when you are hurting badly everyday. And no, I am not depressed. So don’t be like , “ Ohh my God, are you fine?” I am fine. Really.

I just don’t want to be in love anymore. Atleast not the only one in love. It’s just I have lived enough of my life thinking I am incomplete without a ‘soulmate’ . There were so many things I wanted to do with ‘ love of my life’. And now I realise that I can do every single thing without him. And that I could have lived my life to the fullest. So now I just feel like a fool. Now I just want to be left alone. I am not bitching about love. Love is beautiful but I don’t think I am ready to put myself out there, heart on my sleeve for someone only to end it in pieces. I just want some me time. Be 100% happy with myself and then I will allow someone to be part of my happiness. Almost everyone is so messed up these days. I don’t want someone messed up adding to the mess in my life now. I can’t be that, “ Let me save you baby!” angel anymore.

And you know what the problem is? I give way too much when I am in love. I will do and notice every single thing. I will make sure you feel special even if that means I have to move mountains for you. But they don’t notice the heart and soul I put into that relationship. I end up feeling like a loser, who is not getting the love I deserve. So in a way I dig my own hole. That’s my problem , I think a lot and feel way too much. It’s a very dangerous combination, I know.

So maybe, I should wait now and it all of my love in myself. And maybe one day, maybe, I’ll be ready again. Someone will smile at me, hold my hand and all that spark will go bonkers again. So basically, I am closing myself from love for now. It can wait. From now on, someone must be too good to make me fall in love again. And when I see people around me, so messed up, makes it impossible that my heart will go all crazy again. Till then, it’s me and self love. Yes, I’ll hurt knowing the flashbacks that will hit me at night, but I’ll be strong. I know I will be fine.

Love and hugs,

PS. I LOVE YOU

What’s life without friends? Well we all have wished once in our life to have  life like the popular T.V show friends. I mean who wouldn’t want to live across their friends, just hang out and tackle problems together. Maybe its all fantasy but no one can through their life without a friend.  I have written about relationships in general and I have seen reasonable amount of relationships, but I have noticed people come and go and relationships change. Unfortunately, friends might drift apart, but the bond remains for a life time, well at least, true friends.

Well I think friendship is best of all relationships. I mean we hear it a lot that become friends with your kids, with your partner. There might be a bigger reason for it.

The thing about Friendships is that it does not require constant reassurance and friends do not want anything in return. There is no hidden agenda when it comes to true friendships.

I, personally owe my friends a lot. I am glad I have these annoying yet loving souls in my life.

Its funny that friends are simplest creatures yet so complicated. They know us more than we know ourselves. I don’t think anyone will understand us better than our friends. They know all the stupidities we have done across the years which we cannot share with anyone because they were a part of it too.

They are the rock that keeps us grounded, the safety net we could fall back to and for them to do all these without expecting anything in return is the amazing part of having a friend. We don’t have to impress anyone to become their friend and there is no recruitment process to select a friend. It’s just a bond that happens between people who are willing to be at each other’s side for the rest of their life. Friendship is the act of selfless love!!

So this friendship’s day, I thank all the wonderful souls in my life. I love you all.

Love and hugs

LETTERS TO MAA #1

Dear maa,

Happy 50th birthday. I literally feel old that my parents are finally 50. I don’t where to start from. Its been so long since I wrote letter to you.

I wont lie, I miss you every day of my life. Today morning, I laid in my bed with tears in my eyes and many will call it attention seeking but the pain doesn’t seem to fade away. Every time I look at your photo, my chest hurts and I remember the memories you left with me.

You are missed maa. Death became an enemy and took you away from me at a very young age. Its funny because I remember you preparing me for the day when you will leave and never come back. Honestly, I did not think it would come so soon.

I miss the food you made. No one can make biryani like you did. I remember you serving me with that smile. I would die to hear that voice or see that smile. No one can replicate it. I remember this food and it makes me feel closer to you.

I have cried so many times, I lost myself as that young girl. When I looked for you, I wrote my feelings down. Over years, writing has become my counsellor, my friend and my way of reaching you. when I speak to others, they don’t get it. They haven’t gone through what I have. Unintentionally they hurt me, but then I remember your words, “Have faith ,for God’s timing is unquestionable.”

A piece of me is still lost and I believe its with you in heaven. I hope one day, when its time, you will put it back in me, so I would feel whole again. Till then, I will try to be strong. I will try to fight with all my strength.

I am getting better I feel. More calm, more rational. I guess you have to worry about me less, now that I am in good hands.

Its hard to make someone happy who is with you when you yourself not happy. I feel like I have lost my way and I cannot find it back. At times, I am so happy and next moment guilt overcomes that you are not here and still I am so happy. I know you want me to be happy. It is just so much of mess in my head that I cannot solve alone. I want to stop hurting people I love . Give me some sign that will help me do it.

 I have people around me, who are trying to help me, but I don’t how to use their help. I keep disappointing them, hurting them and I am scared that one day they will just get fed up of me and leave.

I am trying to be a good girl. Started my blog, something I always wanted to do. I reach people through my writing , can you believe it? There is someone I would love you to meet. You would love him. Didi is going to Scottland. Its so amazing. I am going to miss her though.

Dearest maa, I just want you to know that you are missed and loved so badly by everyone around me. I will never forget you.  I hope I make you proud.  Your absence has taught me to be strong and smile even though you have trouble in your life. Thank you. I love you.

Love and hugs.

WHEN IT COMES TO YOU!

So I recently I had fall out with my best friend. Why it happened? What was the reason? Nothing of that matters anymore. Its done. This evening I was thinking about her, about our friendship, how from complete strangers who used to dislike each other turned to best friends. It was a beautiful journey. One that I will always cherish. I want to dedicate this write-up to her: The strong woman who stood for me.

She is the kind of person I will always have a place in my heart for. No matter where we go, with whom we are, I find it easy to care about her. And no amount of anything, will make me replace her with anyone in my life.

Our journey is cute, tragic I might say and with lots of smiles and tears. I still remember , it all started one afternoon when I went to meet other friends and she was with them. First few weeks we didn’t even talk. And then we found ourselves talking because there was no one else to talk to  and I never found someone I can relate to in my 17th years. I still miss that place. That place gave me one of the best people in my life. It was a small café called MUNCHBOX.

Few weeks later, we shared numerous amount of details, personal stuff and it was so easy to talk to her. Like she would get before I would utter a word. This is how my 11th grade passed, we entered the most worst year of our lives. Not just academically, but emotionally too. To be honest, I don’t remember crying so much in all my years as much I have cried in my 12th standard.

Start was pretty good. We used to hang out everyday, it was all smiles in the begin. We used to go on best friend dinner dates, sleep overs, movie nights, countless laughter and just deep conversations about life. But as they say, good times doesn’t test great friendships. Its bad times. I am so proud to tell that we never left each others back, be it great times or bad times.

There was nothing that she didn’t know from my life. She started to read me so well, that by just seeing my face she would know about my mental stage. I had my best fun with her.

When we both got caught in teenage drama and boy stuff, we both understood each others value. She is the only person who said, “I am there for you Abha.” and she proved it right. She was the only friend who held my hand and pulled me out from the pothole I had fallen into.

I remember her hugs, she wiping my tears and actually feeding because I was acting like a child. I still hear her voice in my head when I need to be strong. She used to  actually shout when I used to act sad.  That moment, I knew, she loves me. Beyond words. She as the person I would fight for. She is the person I want for a lifetime.

Boards got over, and she shifted to Mumbai. It broke my heart. I was scared to be alone, I thought she would forget me. But I guess real bonds don’t ever break. It doesn’t matter who comes in your lives, that bond, in its pure form, remains. It might feel we are drifting apart. But we had never been so close. It was difficult. But she never made me feel alone. Our calls used to go on for few hours, video calls flew from Mumbai pune. That was my first long distance relationship.

Nothing had changed. Distance never bothered us. We were still close. We still knew everything about each other. We used to fight and find caring for each other the same time. We have irritated each other to next level.

She came home.You see, once we love a person we often see that person as flawless. You can never unlove the person you have once loved so deeply. I have her every loved every mood, the smirkiness in her eyes, her stupid dumb face.

Yeah I know this is not the end of our friendship. Its just difficult not to talk to her, not think about the memories. As I said, that woman give one of the best memories of my life. We swore to build an empire. Maybe few years down the lane, we would leave the bad in past and pick up where we left. I promised her I would make it to the top, with she being my best friend, and I don’t want to give up. We just need time off from each other, I think. I don’t expect others to understand what she means to me unless she knows it very well.

I have faith in us. I know we will survive this too. I have not let go of her. All she needs to know right now is that I love her and I miss her.  That she cannot give up, she needs to be strong. She needs to be  everything she has taught me.

Love and hugs

DOES COMPETING WITH YOUR PARTNER HELP YOU?

I believe competition is good. It pushes you to do better. It motivates you to step up everyday. I was quite lazy till last month. Even though I am motivated now, I have wasted about three months.

 But is competition healthy in a relationship?

Well Aditya is a workaholic and very competitive. He challenges me on work front on his every step. As I said relationships are not only about loving each other. It is growing as an individual and helping your partner to grow with you.

I have always felt the need of keeping my personal life and my professional life different. But I do feel competing with your partner can also be healthy.

Healthy competition between partners can spur you to try your best. Competitiveness with your partner is quite normal and I have found it very helpful.

It has helped me and Aditya to be stronger as individuals as well as a couple. It has encouraged us to be better people and motivate us to improve our lives and reach our goals. In some way, now that we know each other’s potential, patience level and thought process, it becomes one of the best stimuli to tackle any obstacle as a couple and reach our common aspirations. The key is to strike the right balance where competition is concerned.

Sometimes this competition can run amok. Problem come when one of the member or both take competition to and extreme point and rather than motivating one other it turns to ‘who can do better than other’ game. That is when we stop working as a team and become more selfish. The opposite partner may feel angry or hurt.

To make your relationship better, I feel, we should be supportive of our partner. Let him/her make her mistakes on their path to success. Don’t let go of them when they come across a failure. I remember Aditya saying, “We will get through this.” “We are a team.” That makes me feel so comfortable. It makes me feel secure about my talents and I get more comfortable about sharing stuff with him and listen to him when he gives a piece of advice.

I have one principle when it comes to competing with Aditya: THERE IS ROOM FOR MORE THAN ONE WINNER.

Being real with each other, how much ever harsh the truth is a skill not every person have when it comes to their beloved.  I make sure that this competition how much ever beneficial doesn’t ruin what I have built so far with Aditya.

Love and hugs. ���

MY JOURNEY FROM SOFT DRINKS TO HARD DRINKS AND BACK

Sometimes I feel we were too eager to grow up into adults only to understand that our childhood was the best period.   We complicate our life by introducing unnecessary and addictive things in our life.

So basically my generation was never said NO to anything. We were always pampered in the best possible way. Since we were always given our freedom, we usually misuse it. I did the same.

We often start drinking because our friends are regular or occasional drinkers and we don’t want to stand aloof. I started consuming alcohol for the same reason. It’s the peer pressure that’s gets us. It took me time that my real friends are still going to be my friends even if I say no to something I really stand for, some things which I consider to be my principles.

I myself have gone through a major transformation. The person I was in school was so different than what I was in my 12th std. I got into bad company, got into various addictions like alcohol, gave less importance to my studies and career and to be honest it all came back to me.

Another reason kids of age less than 21 drink is because they think it increases their social status. Makes them “cool”. When I look back at the years I used to feel the same, I pity myself for believing into something that was so irrational. Drinking at the age of 16-17 doesn’t really create a good image and to be honest it is really difficult to clean that image.

We being kids don’t have control on ourselves and that’s perfectly normal. That is the only reason that alcohol has age limit. We don’t know our limits and we can drink more than what we can handle.

There is a very big misconception that drinking alcohol makes it easier to forget the pain we are going through. It is total rubbish. It can make you forget your problems for s very small period of time but most of the time you get up all hung over regretting why did you consume so much alcohol.    Life is too short of living in regrets. ALCOHOL IS NOT GOING TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS. It’s a myth. Its you who need to face your problems, that too when you are sober.

Getting drunk will only increase problems in your career path, in your personal relationships and it will all affect on your mental health. So it is almost as if its opposite of what is said about alcohol, it doesn’t solve problems but it surely can create a few more.

I am so sick of alcohol in general that someone now says lets grab drink I feel nauseous. I want to take control of my life which right now seems to be on an off track. Life is too beautiful to waste on something like alcohol which can be later enjoyed. I would rather prefer drinking pepsi right now than drinking a glass of beer.

My dad always say, “there is time to do everything.” I don’t particularly like to say this, but my old man is always right. Learn to wait. Good things take time.

Love and Hugs.

Create your website with WordPress.com
Get started