Why no one talks about a phase in life where you don’t want anything anymore. I went through a similar phase recently. Everybody talks about the time you hurt, when you cry your shit out, when you get drunk in sadness, when you break down.
But no one talks about the time when you lay in your bed , with a hole in your heart. You are clueless how to fill it. About how you don’t even want to do the things that you usually do. You just wait for the day end. And it’s horrible because you feel empty and guilty at the same time.
To be honest, I learned a lot this year. I learned about happiness and love as well as sadness and heartbreak. I learned that even these two contradictory feelings can coexist. Sometimes I have felt all at the same time and nothing at the same time. I realised that world is not white or black. It has so many different colours. I learned that this life is a very long journey. And I have to travel so much of it. I realised that you can try distract your problems by making jokes about it and avoiding life. You can convince that you are worthy, beautiful and enough, but it’s not if no use until you stand by your word and prove it to yourself. I had days and nights where I know my worth but I spend my day unproductive and felt otherwise at end of the day.
I have learned about loneliness and how it can turn you numb into believing that you will always be alone in the end, both physically and mentally. How people you think have your back can backstab. However being alone is not something to be ashamed of. The felicity that you get from spending alone than spending it on superficial relationships to hide the mirage of loneliness is much more fulfilling.
I have learned that few moments in the sun can help calm your hurricanes and how that is all you need some days. You can try to find the reasons to every situation that broke you, but there isn’t any. You just have to go through it, so that you can grow. I learned that life will kick you down a million times and you feel like you won’t survive, until you do. And when you do, you will rise above all the things that broke you down. I learned that it’s always dark before dawn. But most and foremost, I learned that you have to stop waiting for the Sun to rise and realise that you were the Sun all along!
Love and hugs,