Over the past few days, I have been doing the unusual introspection. I believe this lock down has been hard on every one. I hope I do a good job in penning down what I went through and how I coped up.
I feel like heartbreak hits me differently. Maybe its because I feel a little too intense when I do, and I tend to jump with both feet before understanding if my partner is willing to take the same chance with me or not. This heartbreak, I knew if it happens again, it would be tough. somehow it turned out to be worse than that.
I have been through really difficult things in my life. When it really gets hard or when one of my triggers get pushed, I tend to lean on my closest friends. They have been doing really amazing job of snapping me out of it before it gets bad.
The toughest part is the disappointment, in myself. The fact that my life is not where I had planned at my 20, is annoying. Though its in my hands, to mend it, I am just upset with myself. I am angry that I let myself go through so much. I am angry that I let my guard down, again. I am upset that I allowed myself to be in a position where I have to pray for strength.
How did I manage to lose perspective in life? I remember giving up on life few months before. I remember crying for nights and not knowing the reason. At that point, I finally knew my worst fear. It was abandonment. Fear of not being walked out on life like I never mattered. I feel like my life has been , this search for love. For my family, for my person. I trusted every person who hinted me that they can be potentially My Person. This is exactly where I lost my perspective.
I thought it was okay to hurt myself than hurting others. Its a very strange habit. I read in a book somewhere, this beautiful quote,
“If you’re ever given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, it is your duty to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”
I think people settle. I think they reach a point in their life and then hit this “good enough” kinda mindset and then settle. At least, that’s how it happened to me. Sometimes it’s easier to settle for the politically correct way, or the route that would make, what you feel, is the happiest. What they don’t realize, is that “good enough” eventually makes you bitter. “Good enough” is the poison you drink everyday, that lulls you into not reaching for incredible.
I dont want a ‘just good enough’ life. Its okay to move past the things that dont bring you any kind of happiness. That doesnt make you a bad person. At some point you have to be selfish. How many more years, are we gonna live in the shadow of ‘What will people say?’ I need to focus on making decisions that will make me happiest and not let myself down.
I have some tough decisions ahead of me. Some that I have no idea how to navigate but for once in my life, I need to be selfish. Need to focus on my own happiness. I am not gonna settle for something, because once it brought me happiness. I have been living in a shell for a very long time. And if i learned one thing during all this, it is that, I am done pleasing people.
Here is the thing people don’t tell you. Despite everyone having an opinion on your life, no one else in the world knows what you should do. Because no one has ever lived your life, with your gifts, your challenges, your past, and your feelings. No one. It is your life alone so don’t ask other people for directions to a place they have never been.
We need to stop looking outside of ourselves for validation on the life we live and instead look inside. At least, that’s what today, reminds me of.
Love and hugs,